It is very difficult to hop back into a passion which has been neglected for months. My thoughts are all over the place, and I feel as though I am unable to harness them into intelligent speech. I can’t capture them. This makes me wonder why I quit writing in the first place. I truly love it, no matter how hard it is sometimes. I wonder; though I don’t need to wonder. I know exactly why I stopped writing, the same way I know exactly why I stop doing pretty much anything I enjoy. I, though I thoroughly regret it, am sadly a person guilty of conformity.
Social acceptance has always meant so much to me. As a child, I cried when other kids didn’t play with me. As I aged, I continued to cry over my peers, but it was when they said fatuous statements about me, and I was smart enough to know how to hide my tears. Middle school was terrible for me. It was then that I realized if I acted like the other kids, they wouldn’t hate me, and I could finally be accepted as one of them. I dropped all of my own interests, became a carbon copy of every other girl in my grade (all of whom were much less mature than me), and went along my merry way.
Now, I’m in high school. In fact, I’m halfway done with high school. Even though I’m halfway done with the point in my life where I’m supposed to find who I am and start my path, it has been nothing but confusion. I always start to enjoy something and enjoy it a lot, but then the ingrained thought process of conformity begins to seep its way into my mind, and the enjoyment stops. That leaves me with nothing. Why do I fear to be myself? I’ve already decided that I won’t let anyone change me. That promise I made to myself means nothing if there isn’t a me to change.
In most of my posts, I make a definite answer to all of my questions; a confident one at that. In this post, however, no questions are being answered. I’m very confused and still trying to figure out how to be myself after years of rejecting anything that defines me. The only thing I know is that over the summer my main goal is to rekindle my past interests and watch myself grow again. From now on, I am not drifting through life as a spectator. I am living life as me, Aaliyah.