Go, go, go- The American mentality screams at me. My mind urges me to keep going. It reiterates every word that people tell me. “Toughen up.” “Push yourself.” Everyone wants to reinforce the idea that I can’t ever stop and if I do, I’m being weak. America’s shared mentality comes from the capitalistic nature of our nation- the people who work harder and longer are the people who survive here. But, what happens when work is hurting me instead of helping? Should I keep pushing?
No, I shouldn’t. Such a mentality is extremely unhealthy in situations like mine, situations of extreme stress. I’m currently fighting with my exhausted body to not keep pushing myself through the day as if nothing is different.The only result I’m getting from this exertion is more exhaustion and a greater need for healing. This an endless cycle that will continue to spiral out of control unless I take a break.
Slowing down is by far not a sin. It is necessary to do whatever it takes to stay healthy. I am not at my best. The state of my mind is affecting my body in terrible ways. My mind feels clouded, my body aches from fatigue, and I’m constantly hungry. I want to get back to my normal, chipper self. For this reason, I think it’s more of a sin to push my body and mind beyond their capacity. I don’t want to cause more damage when I want to heal.
This is all about writing. Something I prided myself since I started my blog was the consistency of my posts. I posted once a day, usually at 10 pm. On the days that I didn’t post, I punished myself and made myself write two to catch up. Now that my little sister has been in the hospital for two weeks, I haven’t been posting much and I feel guilty. I feel like I’m being weak. I feel like I could be tougher.
The mentality is drilled into my brain and is hard to push aside. But, I think it’s best for me to take a break from writing for a little bit instead of pushing myself too far. I don’t want to make something I love into a chore. Besides, Anna is scheduled to be discharged this Monday.