Try as I might, I can’t be perfect. And that’s okay, because no one’s perfect. Remembering that in times of struggle is the difficult part. Since very few people feel comfortable sharing their struggles with the world, I sometimes get caught up in the fantasy they’re trying to convey. I see the flawlessness of their lives, and wish my life was similar to that. Some days feel perfect, especially when I’m happy. The days where nothing seems to go right are the days I’m reminded that I am still a hot (very hot) mess.
I often let my day control me, where it should be the other way around. Sometimes I’ll lay in my bed, and watch in dismay as the clock keeps turning. I try to stop time sometimes, just so I can indulge in my desire to be a sloth. Reading has been helping me with staying alert and active. I’ve also been spending less time in my bedroom, and more time in the living room, talking to my family. Doing small things like these had made a big difference. My mind shuts down less, and I feel happy when my mind isn’t shut down.
The biggest struggle that I’ve had to face is my self confidence. I look in the mirror everyday, and make myself see a beautiful, headstrong girl. My determination sometimes waivers, and the negative thoughts start flowing in my head. It’s been difficult to see the good in me, because people seem to team up and undo everything I’ve done for myself. Without the support of my mom and my boyfriend, I wouldn’t be able to even put my thoughts out into the world, from the fear that I’m not good enough to do so.
Despite all the things that whirl around and make my life chaos, I try to make things seem perfect. I wear makeup, I put filters on my photos, I bend stories to highlight only the good out of them. This is my way of hiding because I feel ashamed for even having things wrong with me. I fear that I won’t be accepted by anyone. Pretending that I am perfect is my way of shielding myself from the truth. But pretending is pretending, and the truth is the truth. No matter what I do about it, I’m still a flawed individual.
Part of becoming a better person is being able to accept my faults so I can work on them. What enables me to accept them is knowing in the back of my mind that everyone has flaws. Even fictional superheroes, like Superman, succumb to something. I hope that being honest about my struggles makes a difference in at least one person’s life. Sometimes all it takes is a reminder that you’re in the same boat as everyone else to turn around your day.